I Want To Be A Commodity (sing it to the tune of Green Day’s “Minority,” it works, trust me)

Based a tip from Jake, I just checked out the new Walmart “social network” for the back-to-school season. At first, it looks like a MySpace clone, but then one realizes immediately that it is, in fact, simply a “create your own page” site, similar in some ways to this year’s Chevy Tahoe campaign.

So, ripping a page out of the book of my favorite investigative journalist, I decided to sign up.

The signup form is extremely intrusive (first asking for my date-of birth, and then my phone number, father’s middle name, address, gender, huh?). After filling out the form with spoofed information and being informed that I’d been registered, I attempted to make my page.

At this point, I’m informed that I’m “not eligible for the contest,” and am stonewalled. I went back to look at the onerous terms-and-conditions page, and realize that the only people who can create pages are those who are 13-18 years old.

Ok, I guess I’ll be a 17-year old girl, then.

I signed up using a different email address, was granted access to the system, and was immediately informed that I “now was a member of one of the coolest cliques on the net!” (::giggle:: lol, thatz gr8!!!) Apparently, all it takes to be a member of one of the coolest cliques on the net is a fake email address.

(My, how standards have fallen. Why, back in my day, you really had to work at it to be in a clique.)

Proceeding forward, I’m finally invited to create my page, primarily by choosing things from the pull-downs and highly-restrictive menus that are given on the page. (Click the thumbnail image on the right for your dose of daily irony.) Although one is able to upload pictures and videos, these appear to go through an “approval” process back at the Walmart mothership before they are posted live.

So, unfortunately, this is a campaign that hits all the Walmart stereotypes, and mirrors the conventional wisdom on their corporate culture. Restrictive. Controlling. Inauthentic. Commoditizing. Here, let’s check out a couple of quotes from one of the pages on the site (belonging to “Courtney,” who lists her tagline as “Don’t let prices stop you from buying!”):

“I will School My Way this fall by looking preppy chic. With a twist of sk8r and lots of skulls!!! YEAH!”

Now, Seth says:

“Just because some folks will look at it and sneer doesn’t mean it won’t work. Some people want a clean, well-lit, orderly environment, even online. Wal-Mart has thrived by trying to sell mass to the masses. It’s okay with them that we can’t find an adapter for our new Treo there. Or a copy of the latest edgy magazine.

The early adopters out there will push, and often push hard, for you to market to them. Sometimes that’s a great idea (after all, they’re listening!). But as Wal-Mart has successfully demonstrated, the middle of the market is a very profitable place as well.”

Yes, I’m sneering. And, frankly, I don’t care if it “works.” Here’s a point that seems to be lost: THERE’S ONLY ONE WALMART. And one MySpace. And one YouTube. So, Seth’s advice rings hollow on two fronts:

#1: If you’re interested in “marketing to the masses,” chances are, you already lost. There will be one, or two, or maybe three big winners in whatever commodity you’re marketing. There also will be a blood-strewn trail of “me too!” organizations wondering why they didn’t hit it big. Where’s your “purple cow” there, eh?

#2: If your business plan is built around “selling mass to the masses,” then you’re forced to sand off all the rough edges. You’re forced to take away any iota of create-ive intent. (Please be sure your soul is securely stowed in the overhead compartment before takeoff.)

The bottom line now has multiple sub-totals. Running a business is a blast, and to run a business one needs to ensure that the endeavor is economically viable and successful. But profit is just one aspect of the calculus.

Update: More from AdAge and Shel Holtz.

Update 2, 4Oct2006: Pete Cashmore reports The Hub has gone the way of the dodo.